The Queens Speech

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons, and those plebs whom I don’t care about.

My government’s legislative programme will continue to deliver on its long-term plan to build a stronger economy and a fairer society for bankers, the wealthy and the elite, Charles my loving son included.

To strengthen the economy and provide stability and security, my ministers will continue to reduce the country’s welfare state, helping to ensure that mortgages remain out with the affordability of the scum of the earth, sorry working poor.

An updated Charter for Budget Responsibility will be brought forward to ensure that future governments spend taxpayers’ money secretly and for the benefit of the wealthy.

My government will also continue to cut taxes for the wealthiest in order to increase their financial security.

My ministers will implement measures to increase further the personal allowance from 1,000,000 upwards and to freeze fuel duty on the top range of motor vehicle.

Measures will be brought forward for a married couple’s allowance, which will recognise marriage in the tax system, if you have two salaries you will pay more, unless you are a politician, a member of the Church of England or one of us then you will pay less.

Legislation will be introduced to help make the United Kingdom the most attractive place to hide Russian money. The Bill will support small dictators by cutting bureaucracy and enabling them to access property and banks in London.

New legislation will require ministers to set and report on a deregulation targets for each Parliament. The legislation will also end employment tribunals, improve the use of zero hour contracts for low paid workers and establish a public register of company beneficial ownership. Legislation will be introduced to provide for a new statutory code and an adjudicator to increase rents for public house tenants.

Legislation will impose higher penalties on gadgies and welfare recipients who fail to sign on everyday.

Measures will be brought forward to limit excessive redundancy payments across the public sector to anyone earning under £20,000.

In respect of National insurance contributions, legislation will be brought forward to tackle the idea of the rich paying more than the plebs and to simplify their collection from everyone earning less than the minimum wage.

My government will introduce a Bill to bolster investment in Harrods and reform planning law to improve Harrods competitiveness. The Bill will enhance the United Kingdom’s independence and security by opening up access to shale and geothermal sites and maximizing North Sea resources before the jocks try to piss off with it all. Legislation will allow for the creation of an allowable solutions scheme to enable all new mansions to be built to a zero carbon standard and will guarantee long-term investment.

My government will continue to implement major reforms to the electricity market and reduce the use of plastic carrier bags to help protect the environment, I use a servant so should the poor.

A key priority for my ministers will be to continue to destroy the economy that rewards those who work hard while consolidating all power in London.

Legislation will be brought forward to give those who have saved little use of their retirement funds taxed at 90% of the take out amount.

My government’s pension reforms will also allow for gadgies in the private pensions market less control of their money, extending the ISA and Premium Bond schemes and abolish the savers’ 40 pence tax rate.

The overall benefits bill will continue to be capped for the poorest so that public expenditure continues to be controlled and policies will be pursued so people are helped from welfare to destitution.

My government will increase housing supply and home ownership in London by reforming the single room subsidy to include toilets , enabling new locally led garden cities for those with the means to afford it.

Legislation will be brought forward to sell high value government land to the highest bidder, encouraging hedge fund managers to make more money for me.

My government will continue to deliver the best private schools money can buy and skills for young people from wealthy backgrounds in the form of internships in parliament. In England, my ministers will help more schools to become elitist and support more Free Schools to open, whilst continuing under investment to deliver less school places for the least well off. Further reforms to GCSEs and A Levels will be taken forward to raise standards in schools and prepare school pupils for employment by introducing examination fees, you don’t pay you don’t sit. My government will increase the total number of chimney sweep apprenticeships for under 14s in London to two million by the end of the Parliament.

My government will continue to work to build a fairer society for the top 1%.

To improve education attainment and child health, my government will ensure all infants will receive one free school meal per month. Free childcare will be extended to more of the most advantaged two-year-olds and a Bill will be introduced to help working families put their children up for adoption.

A Bill will be introduced to strengthen the powers of modern slavery and human trafficking whilst improving support for beneficiary’s of such crimes.

A Bill will be brought forward to provide that where a person acts heroically, responsibly or for the benefit of others, they will be taken to the courts.

Legislation will be introduced to improve the complaints system in the Armed Forces through the creation of a secret police force.

A serious crime Bill will be brought forward to tackle smoking in housing estates, disrupt serious benefit appeals and strengthen the powers to seize the proceeds of social security.

My government will continue its programme of political reform by ending the Scottish Parliament as soon as Nigel is deputy PM.

My ministers will introduce legislation on the recall of Members of Parliament from their increased 26 weeks annual leave per year .

My government will continue to implement new financial powers for the Scottish Parliament, making it cost a fortune to administer it’s tax powers and make the case for Scotland to remain enslaved as part of the United Kingdom.

My ministers will continue with legislation giving the National Assembly for Wales the finger and Welsh Ministers more power over the thickness of toilet paper and investment in dog shit.

My government will continue to work with the devolved administration in Northern Ireland to rebalance the economy, promote reconciliation and create a shared future for those who support the flying of my flag.

Draft legislation will be published providing protection for England.

Members of the House of Commons estimates for the public services will be laid before you, as in low paid workers will be publicly flogged at all future Queens speeches.

My Lords and members of the House of Commons

The United Kingdom will work for peace and security on England’s borders, and for stable relations between America and London-based on respect for national American sovereignty, territorial integrity and international law in whatever way we define that to mean.

My government will host the Nato summit in Wales as a sign of the United Kingdom’s commitment to the alliance and missile practice.

My ministers will strive to improve the humanitarian situation in Scotland, to reduce food banks and will no longer collect statistical information. It will work for a successful transition in Scotland back to being just a region, and will work towards a comprehensive nuclear agreement with Iran so that they too can keep their subs on the Clyde .

The United Kingdom will lead efforts to promote violence in conflict worldwide.

My government will work to leave European Union, including a stronger role for our American friends in the affairs of my government. My ministers will also champion efforts to secure a global agreement on tax havens, as long as they are in London.

Prince Philip and I will pay a State Visit to London and will attend events to mark the 70th celebration of the D-Day landings.

We look forward to welcoming His Excellency the President of the Republic of the Cayman Islands on his forthcoming State Visit and bank deposit day.

Other measures will be laid bare before you.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons

I pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your souls you wankers.

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4 comments

  1. Helena Brown

    Thank you for that I, do so try to miss Her Madge at all possible moments. I will admit as I did on Derek Bateman having being in the audience as a School girl when she made King Olaf of Norway a Knight of the Thistle, well at fifteen you will do anything for a day off school. To be truthful and I always try to be, we were there to fill up the Thistle Chapel.
    Sounds about right to me, the Firm makes enough money out of us, and when the nobility make anything more than a token attempt at caring for the plebs I will eat my hat. Of course David Cameron is a relative so he will be fine.

    • grumpyscottishman

      Helena

      The whole thing makes me sick. The pomp, the Labour liars and turncoat, the fact that some Scottish people are fighting to remain slaves to an elite that wouldn’t pee on them if they were on fire, a wee boy in a silly outfit faints and they leave him. We have got to get out of this nonsense. I fear a no vote and one reason will be that Scotland will truly be dead and that will be unforgivable as far as. I am concerned, I’ll certainly never forgive no voters.

      Thanks for commenting.

      Bruce

      • Helena Brown

        Bruce I share your fear but I am putting my faith in the same people who came out and voted in the 1997 Referendum, and may I say I stayed up and watched it happen.
        I will not live here in event of the other side winning, I will not be classed as they will as cowards and scroungers to a man/woman. Possibly off to the home of my Great Grandfather, Donegal, let us hope it never happens,
        I still cannot work out how people are still listening to Labour given that they are selling them down the river.

        • grumpyscottishman

          Helena

          You are correct to put your faith in those who took the plunge in 97. I was living in the States at the time so did not take part, I struggled to even get news on it so contrary to David Cameron UK news barely gets a mention across the water. Took like 30 hours to find out that Blair had won the GE, I was only living in Rhode Island.

          I must admit that I will stay in Scotland, unless work takes my wife or myself somewhere else, after the vote but I have very mixed feelings about how we will be perceived, let alone here, but also abroad.I know that I won’t ever be British and I suspect I might feel that the people have decided that Scotland no longer exists in the event of a no, I know that sounds extreme but it is how I feel, so I guess if I have to be anything it will be European or get my Ghanian passport sorted out so I can say I am Ghanian lol. My wife if originally from Ghana.

          However, the good bit, I do think this goes to the wire and the last 6 weeks or so will be crucial and I live in hope that YES have a few gems up their sleeve which I am sure they will if the SNP have anything to do with it. I also think that if YES with a few to go can show a lead then the NO side will commit harry karry as they panic. My head says it’s a very tight NO at this moment in time but my heart has just that bit more faith in ordinary Scots, who lets face it, have little or nothing to lose in the event of a YES vote. It’s the middle classes etc who have the most to lose if it goes wrong, well the ones who only care about themselves, and sadly I work with too many of them. Personally I will happily be worse off if it makes Scotland a nation in it’s own right again and not part of a broken, pompass and elititist system.

          Thanks

          Bruce

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