Something Different: Let’s Talk about Toilet Paper

I’m not talking about any given yoon manifesto at election time but the real deal, the white stuff. My wife really gets a bit miffed when I go for a cheapo option, let’s face it, you’re only wiping your a*** with it at the end of the day but it has resulted in many a comment.

In life we have to make difficult choices every day and especially at weekends when you do the shopping. Now I will admit, I don’t want to spend a lot of money on bog roll, ass napkins, bath tissue, smudge rubs, or even blank canvass to name a few. But let’s face it some brands are better than others, we have all had a finger poke through a cheap role resulting in a serious hand wash but which are the best and worst.

I came up with this wee list:

Andrex – Cute puppy in the advert, pretty safe on the finger test and decent amount on the roll. However, you can use too much at the same time making it a bit useless. Can be a bit expensive though.


Tesco Own – Not bad overall but can be a wee bit pricey, also passes the finger test.


Charmin – Overpriced and not better than Andrex and on a par with Tesco, also passes the finger test.


Velvet – I don’t like it at all, too thick for me but the family like it but I don’t get why you want to get the Aloe Vera one, it’s not as if it’s cure a rash or anything, passes finger test.


Nouvelle – Recycled, don’t like it, end of and too expensive but you might save a twig or two, does not pass the finger test.


Nicky – I tend to go for this one as it’s only £3.99 for 18 and is a bit of middle of the road brand. Passes the finger test but is not too brutal on the wallet.


Of course when we were kids, at primary school, we had to endure the kind that was like tracing paper, It just used to spread the poo around instead of wiping your bum clean. I wonder if it was the local council getting revenge on kids for making noise and playing footie in the street or something, passes the finger test and took skin with it also.


Seemingly posh people buy Renova Paper, £22.99 for 24 rolls. Do you think it cleans better or makes you a coffee when you’re doing a sittee doonee, you never know.




  1. Anonymous

    Yes voters are full of so much crap you will cause a toilet paper shortage #voteUKIP #UK #Britania #PeasantScotland

  2. squewedperspective

    I have to agree on your recommend of Nicky.

    You brought back a the horrible memory of tracing paper, smears it painfully around while not really cleaning horror of many years passed. I always remember not liking the idea of a ‘sit’ at school and now I remember why.

    I noticed that you are a Dundonian. I have many fond memories of your city. As I child, my family holidayed in Camperdown park in our wee touring caravan. We visited Carnoustie, Broughty Ferry and Arbroath. The posh meal of the holiday was a meal out in Dundee at the Reo Stakis, though I think the best were the mock chop suppers & fudge doughnuts (which to my mind were both invented in lochee) and of course the Arbroath smokies..

    • grumpyscottishman

      The tracing paper was brutal wasn’t it! Yeah live in Dundee, been away and back like 3 times now, always seem to come back but not against leaving again if an opportunity came along that was interesting. Mock chop supper, not had that for a while I must admit but finding a really good chip shop these days is not that easy.

      Thanks for commenting.


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